hey people! :D it’s been awhile since i updated this blog... like 23,455 years never update. lol. anyway it’s the last week of the year again. to all the concerned people out there – i’m fine. thanks! (: year 2009 has been quite a year of learning. i wouldn’t say i learned enough for a complete transformation but definitely enough to make me think about how i’m gonna present myself – who i am? – to myself, to others, to Jesus. what i can do? – for others, for myself, for Jesus. and last but not least, how do i go about doing it.

on Christmas day, i had a family gathering at my aunt’s house and she was showing a testimony about a drug addict who brought his grandmother to Christ after everything. he got to know Christ through a bible given to him by a malay prison warden. ironic! but yeah! God works through anyone! there was a bookmark of the shape of a cross and there was a verse on it. it sounded like Hebrews, about God disciplines His son. that guy then prayed in his cell in mandarin – but i shall translate it for the sake of this blog – “Lord, please help me. Lord, please forgive me. Lord, please change me.” . . . i almost cried when i saw that. a few years ago i was just like that, praying the same prayer. i kept asking God to fix me. FIX ME. i realize it’s not all about crying to Him for this miracle change. but also a commitment to Him, a deep one. i can’t even commit to Him, what am i asking, sigh. as much as i want to cling on to Jesus, He too does want me and loves me dearly. i can’t bear to hurt Him anymore. gotta get a grip myself.

this coming sunday will be the day i stand on my feet again. i’ve been doing things the wrong way. i get tired easily because i took up responsibilities that i’m not supposed to. i finally understood what pastor charissa was trying to tell me for two years. it’s not that i doubt what she said or that i wasn’t confident of myself, but more like trying to understand more so i can apply more too. i took 6 months to be in the wilderness to expose myself to a lot of things (a lot.). and now i feel that it’s time that i go home. daddy is waiting for me at the gate. i want to go home. i am so sorry that i left.

i won’t forget what happened in june. and if you ask me what i’m gonna do, i will do what i set forth to do initially – to complete what we have planned. i’ll get to the bottom of things. – at the very least i’ll try to. not trying to make things big (not at all), but i want, and i'm trying to understand what really happened so that people can know the TRUTH & learn from it.

anyway i had a super weird dream. there’s this person named “race” and she was debating with someone, or rather, screaming away at someone who was trying to remove the shell off a turtle. she resembles someone i know but i’m not entirely sure about it. the dream then went on to a segment where she mysteriously dislocated her arm and i tried to push it back in place (just like in those shows.. HAHAH)

i don't really give a shit if people cared about me anymore. i don't give a shit to what people think of my anymore because i know who i am and people who know me well will know what i'm made of. 'happy knowing ivan 2009.' (: for all those who keep in touch with me or me trying to talk to you; 'happy knowing ivan more 2009 and beyond.' (:

anyway, i officially like lady gaga's songs and music videos. cut the talk short - listen for yourself!

bad romance!

hey blog! seems like i have some readers after all. haha. exams are over! but sad to say, it was terribly done. ): anyway, this week has been a track-filled week! on monday i went over to the SEPANG INTERNATIONAL CIRCUIT at KL with 5 other guys and a girl. prior to the trip i didn’t sleep at all. so it was like about 24hours without sleep. i guess that’s okay compared to my army days (you’ll juz feel VERY tired and would doze off if idle. and your heart beats faster even though you’re not doing anything) and on friday i went to the pasir gudang track at johor.

we went via the NSHW (north south highway) and surprisingly i was kinda’ awake along the way. didn’t fell asleep compared to my previous trip to KL. but my return trip told a different tale. i actually dozed off (like the other time) but this time i slapped myself (literally) awake. as usual, the malaysian cars will take us on anytime. they tailgate, kissed my bumper etc. luckily i have faster bros to guard me now. haha it was pure fun. alas, we reached the international circuit (where Alonso etc play their F1 cars here too) it was pretty grand! we went through this small tunnel and the guy there was like gesturing a ‘go! go! go!’ kind of thing. it was so cool! so we had a pit for ourselves and to our left and right were some really crazy cars.

after the registration and the collection of our transponders, we went ahead to prepare for the track. we had a mazda6 (tuned), a swift sport (300++ HP), a civic type R (300++ HP), a mazda3 (me), a lancer, and a civic FD1(200 HP). so, being the newbie i was, i donned my helmet and gloves and went out – alone, without being shown the track first. omgosh i crashed like 3 times (different occasions). crash as in skidded off the track into the sand, the gravel, and the grass (respective 3 times). and my front bumper lip came off! ): hahah. it was so fun. so i decided to go slow and the WRXs and EVOs started to come too. along the way of my uber slowness, one orange WRX skidded and spinned a few rounds after he tried to overtake me and turn into the bend too quickly. funny stuff. loads of people went out of the track, pros and newbies alike. LTM type R, garage R EKs. i blame the bad weather. it was actually raining mercilessly. and the dudes with semi-slick tires were crying. hahah. in the end we won nothing and went back to eat A&W at Melaka. that was my first experience driving on a track. i wasn’t afraid of losing control, but when i skidded unto the grass, i was like “omg gonna total, gonna total!!!!!” total = entire car flip and end up resting on its top.

i learned a lot when i was there. there’s a lot of things you need to build in a car to make it good at the tracks. i used to tell myself that no matter how good a car is, if the driver got no skill, it’s all down the drain. how true. from tires, suspension (coilovers, springs), brakes, roll bars, strut bars, braces, to the engine needs to be changed. after running at the pasir gudang circuit, i felt that the sepang circuit is really NO JOKE. it is a really good track for really good cars. very nice place. but at the pasir gudang track – it was a place i could really ‘play’ i did not go off the track once and was able to control the drifting and traction all the way. dennis took a ride as my passenger said that i’m good. i guess i grasped the basics of handling. about understeer and oversteer. as my car is a FWD car, it was really fun to balance the acceleration to counter the steering thing. i can’t describe but you need to experience it yourself. it’s amazing how a car like mine – with stock suspension, BG lowering springs, front strut bar and complete undercarriage summit bars (that’s a lot) can handle so well. mazda really lives up to its name of good handling. somehow, like initial D, horsepower isn’t everything when it comes to racing. though horsepower is good to have for pickup and straights, handling is KEY to success. being praised that i was good the other day at pasir gudang was like an achievement! i think i’ve improved quite abit since sepang. and on my way home on friday, i had a wish. (my prior birthdays i made no wishes) – haha my wish is to have a track-worthy car ready for me in every circuit around the world. wow that would cost 94 bombs (if costing a bomb isn’t enough) and one hell of a sponsor to do that. haha! tracks = for responsible people to drive fast. two thumbs up!

next. i’ve been playing this game called ‘Assassin’s Creed II’, it’s on the PS3. wow. awesome game. loads of people say that it’s a game worth it (oh you know how many crappy games there are..) and i’m kinda inspired to train back my fitness and physique to my former glory. then i can start being hayabusa in ninja gaiden once more. HAHAH! but i am satisfied with playing parkour in Singapore. that would be my cup of tea of ninja gaiden/prince of Persia/assassin’s creed. :D

there are not many people around who can actually cheer me up. i hope to get to know more people who can cheer me up and/or to know those who can, better. haha. (not like i am SO EMO, but along the way, i really appreciate those who give me a good laugh and a smile to go to bed with. thank you people!) oh, and last but not least - happy birthday melodi! (:

below are some pics for you! and i hope you enjoyed reading my blog. (:

our first check point!

welcome to sepang international circuit!

mazda 3!

fong kim's type R
the line-upaftermath of the slide!front bumper lip came off!!!our very own closing ceremony. sah-pa dey!

hi blog! it’s me again! (: hmm. nope, i don’t like her anymore haha. infact i’m happy for her that she found her guy, even though she doesn’t want to say if she likes him. haha. but it’s okay for me as long as i know she’s happy, i’m happy. :D

in mugging news: okay, tomorrow will be my first paper. i’m taking the time to post this post that i’ve been composing since a week ago. all the best to everyone for their coming papers.

in church news: i’m transiting to champ’s cell with effect from the next earliest cell meeting. i made a rather bold decision – that is to have pastor charissa and champ to continue building me up. i was kinda paranoid prior to this; i kept thinking that i’m just being used that’s all. but after much thinking, i found out my way of loving others is to serve them. be it hospitality, planning events, or even simple stuff like opening doors for them.

in car news: one of my course mates once said: “you know, sometimes i see those people spending over $30k worth of parts and accessories on their cars, i thought it’s impossible. but after i see how you modify your car, i begin to see how it is possible.” but seriously, in my opinion, $30k is like… A LOT YO! for me, hmm shall we go through a list of things of what i’ve done? i have rough estimates (or if my memory serves me well) of the amount of money for each part, but i don’t think i passed the $5k mark. (we’ll see.) anyway, i think it’s a hobby, some people think it’s crazy or a waste of money, but if you have passion for automotives and stuff (like many many guys and girls do actually) then you’ll see it as a hobby. currently, i’m able to red-line my 3rd gear which was previously not possible (unless you drag super long.) i shall follow the fongkim workshop convoy on 16th november to sepang race circuit to gain exposure experience and knowledge, as well as to test my top speed. i’m still following the N/A (normally aspirated) path. if i wanna turbo-charge, i think i might as well get a new car. haha it’s also kinda funny to see the car change from stock till… “zomg what’s that coming!!" (and by the way, if you're gonna judge my character and/or personality just because of my hobby of modding cars, then seriously, gtfo this blog. why don't you look at those with flying hobbies? youth flying club fees can easily cost you $10k+, get a grip.)

1. PIVOT mega raizin (purple). $150?
2. SEBRING exhaust system. $850
3. SUMMIT front strut bar. $120
4. KENSTYLE side skirt. $350
5. AE 2 front bumper + U-lip. $650+
6. KENSTYLE rear lip. $200?
7. 2x GTR foglights. $240
8. PHILIPS diamond vision for headlights and foglights. $150
9. DENSO iridium spark plugs. $80?
10. 17" sport rims + yokohama tires. $2000-$3000?
11. B+G lowering springs. $150
12. aftermarket clip-on visors for doors. $90?
13. frameless silicon wipers. $40
14. aftermarket clip-on GT spoiler. $230
15. APEXI open pod. $120
16. SIMOTA piping + whitesnail cold air intake & heatshield. $80+ (if add previous simota A/I should be $300+)
17. small aircharger w/ gauge. (no brand) $20
18. digital speedometer. (on windscreen) $120
19. ALUTEC crank pulley. $120
20. ipod link. $80
21. CF vented bonnet w/ aerocatch. $360
22. SUMMIT cooling plate. $90
23. aftermarket LED side indicators. $45
24. 4-2-1 extractor + decat + SS muffler $500
25. customized rear brake lights + LED 3rd brake lights. $290
out-of-car items
1. 1x mica black KENSTYLE front grille. $90
2. 1 set of CF diffuser. $150

TOTAL +/- = $8,085... (if add maintenance costs like engine oil, workmanship, etc. hah! car enthusiast.)

add: future projects:

HKS grounding kit $320, turbo-charge $2,600 (might come with unichip), UNICHIP Q $850/ greddy e-manage blue $300-$400, bore throttle body + bigger butterfly valve $400-$500.

haha well, might as well change to a S15 or MR-2 or prelude. did a mini photoshoot with my friend the other day.. at rail mall, west coast, and labrador park. lol. more pics @ my facebook! check it out!

okay i just got back from the wedding dinner food tasting. haha. i had a pleasant surprise. okay, my brother-in-law’s wife looks like one of my friends! hmm.. she was a lecturer at RJ. food tasting was awesome! my brother said something that i pondered about.. “the dish that is left over is the one that needs to be replaced.” hahaha! how true. apply it in life and you’ll see. and.. i think the wedding dinner is gonna be crazy. due to space constraints there can only be 25 tables. i heard my brother's friend had 100+ tables the other time. hmm.. i can only imagine. i guess for me it's like 2 tables at coffee shop, eat chilli crab all those. haha. (so, girls! don't marry IVAN! haha! :P)

the piano and her.
the other day i was watching this video on youtube. maybe i can share it on the blog. it reminded me of the past of someone playing the piano while i’m doing my own stuff. i just can’t forget how she looked like while playing the piano. it’s like being extremely serious yet enjoying it at the same time. and after finishing, she would turn and smile. and perhaps one day, i too will meet my end and join her up in the skies.


footprints in the sand. – i hope this short story will be an encouragement to everyone.
one night i had a dream. i was walking along the beach with the Lord, and across the skies flashed scenes from my life. in each scene i noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. one was mine, and one was the Lord’s. when the last scene of my life appeared before me, i looked back at the footprints in the sand, and, to my surprise, i noticed that many times along the path of my life there was only one set of footprints. and i noticed that i was at the lowest and saddest times in my life. i asked the Lord about it: “Lord, you said that once i decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way. but i notice that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. i don’t understand why you left my side when i needed you most.” the Lord said: “my precious child, i never left you during your time of trial. where you see only one set of footprints, i was carrying you.”

hi blog! hmm. i’m not gonna hide it. i’m happy yet sad at the same time. happy cos’ my brother is getting married and moving on in life. sad cos’ he’s not gonna be staying with us anymore. it was like as if we went to primary school together yesterday. and now he’s getting married. yeah, time flies, it really does. i guess this is what we all will be going through as we get older. – and this includes death of relatives or someone close to us. a few days ago i sent his computer to his new house and after a brief introduction of the house, i went home having the ‘i’m-on-my-own-right-now’ kind of feeling.

one common question that has been asked over and again to me: “how are you?” i shall reply here!

hi dearies, i’m fine. as mentioned above, i think i’m going through yet another phase of life, some kind of transition in life. i’m gonna be left alone even more. on one hand, i’m picking up on my studies (gosh it’s difficult to concentrate nowadays.) on the other hand my spiritual walk is taking a hit. loads of reasons why, reasons that caused people to leave the church that i spent my childhood in.

i wanted to blog about someone. she’s someone whom i really liked before. (really means i was, or rather am really serious about.) although we don’t really talk much these days, every single time she reply me, it’s something that i will cherish. if i’m to write how i met her, and everything, i think the blog would explode or the readers will be like: “stupid guy.” oh well, i once told her that i won’t want to go back into the past to make things different, but instead, move on from my mistakes because i believe while going through everything, she learnt something as well. i mean, if two people go through something together, they learn something together. going back in the past and making things fine isn’t really growing. – alas, a part of me does want to change the past, but a part of me wants to learn from the past.

to be honest, it would be a miracle to actually go out with her and have a meal. . . just trying to know her better, just trying to know her more. to a certain extent, i could understand what she meant when she said she don’t trust me enough. i reckoned that it would be scary to be with someone you don’t know well, or don’t trust. too little time, too many commitments, it’s all about compromising. well if you’d ask me, even if i’m super busy, she’ll always have time from me. i learned something from my mistake. i guess there were too many times i didn’t show her attention or even appreciation. i didn’t know what to say nor do. i was shy. i was quiet. i still am. haha. it’s only when we’re alone then i’ll talk. it’s not because i don’t want people to know that i’m talking to her, it’s more like finding out what am i able to say when joining in the conversation with half a dozen other people with her.

time flies, exams come. the other day i was reading the birthday card she gave me last year. interesting i would say. how i hope for another one this year! (: hmm, i lost count the number of times i actually wrote to her – cards, letters, journal, email. haha. i’m not sure if she read everything but i hope she did. whenever i write, it’s my true feelings, and i guess it’s because i express myself better through writing too. hmm. i actually wrote a note all about her, from the time we met till now.

well, i would like to say this as my ending: “she’s so interesting in many ways, i can’t forget about her.”

it’s been five days since my in-camp training (reservist) ended. i only have one word to describe how it was: revolutionary. i felt that it’s about time, to make a point, to rise up and speak up, to make a difference. how long have the men felt useless, felt like a camel – carrying heavy loads from point to point. what good are the training they went through if they were to be treated merely as camels? quote from xj: “if we were meant to be camels, then why not train us to carry field packs everyday from place to place instead of training us to be scouts?” scouts are meant to be the elites of the battalion, the eyes and ears. not camels. our whole two years of NS life was totally screwed up, we had no proper relationship, no bonding, no active motivational leadership. are we gonna continue to screw up our 8 other years of reservist? i am glad there were some like-minded individuals willing to stand up to commit towards a change. that they also saw how the platoon was at a stand-still, not moving forward.

a huge part of the entire thing was to go around to gather feedback. there were two different batches of commanders. and apparently, the men felt a closer/greater bond with the older batch of commanders as they went through several months of intensive training together, both local and overseas. what was challenged was the newer batch of commanders went through even more training with the men but why is there no bonding? that was because the older batch of commanders involved the men in everything they did, when they got lost in the wild, they got lost together. there was shared responsibility, everyone had a fair share and spoke freely, there was true relationship going on. whereas the newer batch of commanders treated the men like camels, taking the responsibilities to themselves and the men just carried the load wherever the commanders take them to. some (new commanders) were shocked when they heard the men say that they were treated like camels.

what we planned and suggested after a series of brainstorming and serious debate, was for the men to be more involved in the planning and operations process. question thrown to me was that what if some men just want to nua/skive through? and not everyone wants to do anything? – the thing is that when people step into the scout platoon, expectations were being set, it is not easy being a scout (apart from being very tough, you have to be smart too). when everyone was still fresh and full of zeal, things were not set right. expectations were met, but no rewards given. best in everything but treated like dogs of war. over the two years, people get tired. but deep down, everyone still does want to play a part in the platoon. a scout’s job scope can be very challenging yet exciting. so it’s not that people just want to nua/skive through, it’s that people got tired of being camels instead of real reconnaissance elements. so instead of letting the platoon continue to be in its current state, why not let’s all do something to advance forward as a platoon? we are only as good as our weakest/lousiest member. i also suggested that in the team of four, the men and commanders complement each other. with different skill sets and specialization. that way, all four people need each other. and last but not least, a deliberate intention to build bonds among the men and commanders, friendships, esprit de corps. whenever the higher-ups praise us for our professionalism and hard-work and are proud of us, i can only smile and hope that the entire platoon feels proud about themselves as well. afterall, when we all go to war, you do want to know what’s going on rather than being a camel following people around. if we are meant to be elites, then let’s be elites.

time to go back to mugging. two weeks of lag due to reservist is no joke.

hi people, hi blog. one last (very long) post before i leave for reservist. (:

this week has been a week of REVELATION (or understanding. following paragraphs talk about some.)! on wednesday i met up with pastor charissa and what was actually intended was to talk about a book but ended up, we talked mostly about everything else more than the book. perhaps everything else just stemmed out from what we had discussed on the book. i often will hear about what people talk/say about me. – i don’t know why, but there will be people who would report to me on what they heard in the field. i’m like the intelligence officer and my field scouts are reporting combat intelligence to me. (haha!) i heard about how people felt sad and unhappy because of the way i replied my msn convos with them, that i was cold and uninterested. example: i used to chat with this person – and she would say that i am so emo. cos’ i never use smilies. HAHAHAH! what the!!! (but anyway, i thanked that person who reported the msn thing to me because she helped me to explain to that person (apparently a girl) that i’m not like that and i actually have a very big heart (hahah! whoa i didn’t know that. thanks for the compliment lor. – well, from this you can see that there is a huge contrast between those who really know me and those who think they know me. :P)) i also heard about how people felt that i’ve changed. (i have no idea how some people could tell without interacting with me. hmm. experience? or perhaps the undeniable sign of the glory of God radiating through me?) and there’s this girl, whom i care about so much (you-know-who), she said that i’ve changed too, to become more open to people. i’m not exactly sure if i want to embrace that change. i can’t possibly satisfy everyone. i know i am nice to people, some think that i’m too nice and too friendly, others want more, some shun me. but whatever it is, at the end of the day, i very much hope that i am able to change the culture; i hope that through being who i am to the people out there, they get to experience God’s love through me and in return, show the same to the people around them.

readers must be wondering why is it mostly about girls complaining or saying things about me. to be honest, i don’t know. and yes, the person closest to me is a girl and not a guy. if you are reading this, i want you to know that i care about you. i know saying that i care about you will just make you feel bad – words are not just words. we must never have the mentality that words are just mere words or words are cheap, because we are co-heirs with Christ and sons and daughters of God, the things we say are of worth, and therefore, the power of the tongue. someday, the black and the white will meet and the grey will emerge. someday, the storm within you will calm and the ships set sail again. someday, we will all see the big picture, and be filled with joy and glee. someday, when i’m no longer around i want you to remember that God loves you more than anyone on earth could, and get set free to fly around like a white dove. someday, i too will join those who have departed this world and i really hope that you see the light of God before i leave, because i will be happy for you to know that you will be a lighthouse for lost ships. someday… it goes on. but end of it, please take good care of yourself. i don’t know how long i can tolerate how church is judging me, how people are looking at me like i’m some enemy.

to the people out there: being nice and friendly to you doesn’t mean i like you (romantically). i have this principle that i won’t like a girl if i don’t know her well enough. cos’ if there’s no such principle, then wouldn’t we like lotsa people along the way? to some people it’s okay, they can like multiple girls at the same time. but i think that’s not fair to them, and not fair to others as well. well, call me ‘cave-man’ or ‘old-book’, you can have your own theories and philosophies – people disagree with things all the time, so be it. my principle is: if i like someone, i will only like that one person, but i won’t like a person easily, not without first knowing better. if i treat friendships seriously, then you should know that i treat this seriously too. :D it never occur to the people who know me, that they have to worry if i’ll go around breaking people’s heart (…), but apparently, my friendliness betrayed me, set me up. what can i do? cease being friendly? i can’t. that’s like telling me to stop breathing. realistically, i don’t think there’s a way to be less friendly either (LOL). i really have a hard time trying to explain myself over and over again like a cheap cassette tape repeating itself on the player. so many misunderstandings, so many screw ups. why bother explaining? of cos’ i bother, i believe each soul and person is special. each have their own song to sing. and each have their lessons to teach. i treasure who people are and what people say. it’s like knowledge that money can’t buy, and love that assets couldn’t be used to trade with. hehe, like i said before in this blog, if you don’t know me and you read this blog, you’ll most probably have more misunderstandings than understandings with me.

got an idea why some girls think that i’m hitting on them when i try to talk to them. i don’t know if God let me gain this understanding, but i’ll just share it. hmm. perhaps it’s because all along, i’m always quiet, i don’t talk much, i don’t smile, and i seem serious in the things i do. and then when i talk to people for some matters like events, etc., its like whoa this uber quiet guy is talking to me, and why is he smiling when he don’t usually smile? of cos’ i smile! i smile when i talk to people (in some cases i laugh!), i mean, you don’t go talking to people with an emo face or what right? haha. its like, people can’t comprehend how a person who seem cold can suddenly become friendly and all. you get the link? cold appearances doesn’t mean cold personality. ): don’t judge me. you’ve not met someone like me doesn’t mean people like me don’t exist. :/

so many times, we, at some point of time treat God like a vending machine, like a 7-11 convenience store. we pray to Him when we have needs, or wants. have we thought about how He felt? have we ever felt that He needed us more than ever. have we treated Him like a PERSON, with His own thoughts and emotions? what is it then, if we don’t treat Him as a person, what relationship are we talking about? pastor charissa asked if i watched transformers, and asked me about the convo between optimus and sam at the graveyard. sam said: “you are optimus prime, you don’t need me.” “this is your war.” at the end, optimus replied: “we need you, more than ever/more than you think.” (something along that line.) have we wondered if God says that to us? that we would think: You are God almighty. but in fact, He do need us!!! i came up with an answer of my own: “i think God didn’t create us just purely for His pleasure and family. i think God needs and created us because – He knows what is happening, He sees the world and its happenings, He hear our prayers. He see that people are suffering in pain and agony, He see that His people are being enslaved to the enemy. His heart is torn apart, He is sad and filled with grief because He loves, He loves the people so much, SO MUCH that He gave His one and only begotten son to die for our sins. He needs us to preach the gospel to the four corners of this world, and when everyone has heard about who Jesus Christ is, then He’ll come again to this world to save everyone.” that is how i see it, God truly needs us to preach to the world, with love and compassion, so that Jesus, my brother and saviour, will come once more, that we’ll see Him face to face, with His ever loving grace. i cry out O Lord, thank You for Your faithfulness and trust, even as much as we trust You, You trust us to this mission, this great responsibility. i give you a shout of praise hallelujah!

just reached home. had a great time with the guys – bob, sam, gab, mel, shao xun, jizeng, jiming, chris, julian, and gab sim – 11 of us. it’s like everytime jizeng comes back, it will be lan-huay (short form for lan-gaming + tau huay @ rocher (oh hahaha bumped into sheryl at the rocher tau huay! long time no see huh!)) this time we had a variation – ‘jap lan huay’ we had japanese food at pomo, ishimura. whoa the omu rice with beef patty was CRAZY! we then went around in circles looking for a lanshop that is not FULL. (grr!) we went to at least 10 lanshops. haha. gaming was mad but i lost twice in a row (first game lightning revenant, 2nd game lion witch). it’s been awhile since i dota’d.

tiring day. had a meeting before service but the meeting was ‘funny’. pastor charissa had to go off to help out in hospitality so i went over to help too. hah it’s been a while since i did the hospitality corner, mixing milo and all. really enjoyed doing all those logistics stuff. (MAYBE THAT’S WHY THEY GOT ME TO DO LOGISTICS TWICE IN A ROW FOR CAMPS?!?! AHHHHH) haha anyway meeting went on without her and quite a few things were tied down. sometimes i feel my ability to articulate my thoughts dwindling. i find myself saying more often: “i don’t know how to say, but……” hah, maybe i take longer and longer to process my thoughts. it’s the funny feeling, that everyone is being silent, staring at you, waiting for you to process your thoughts. OR you’ve been quiet and finally wanted to make a point, and then everyone stares at you and give you full attention like as if you’re about to give a victory speech. i guess i look serious when i share things. HAHAHA!!

after lan, sam, gab, and i had some ah mei tea at rail mall till 4.30am. (LOL!) there is much to be done. kl trip, pelham 123, horfun trip, blah blah blah.

Lord, i thank You for that wonderful 10-20 minutes You gave me to talk to gab one on one. that one thing You placed in my heart recently. that one thing that is plaguing the hearts and minds of the people in this world. that one thing that is becoming more and more evident. in all things, i put You first, lead me in this, and bring us all to freedom, bring us all to the truth, bring us all to realization of who we really are. you know, the more i write on this blog, the more i feel that i’m no longer writing for people to read, but i’m writing for Jesus to read. like all the prayers and cries on this blog, Lord i am very sure You hear me. VINDICATE ME O LORD.

“Lol. Ivan, I guess it’s just who u r. Ppl who dun know u may think u hitting on them.”

ha. it’s been like this all the while. we all live in a world – a fallen world. people who are purely being nice and concerned are seen as people having ulterior motives. people with genuine good intentions are persecuted as though they had something up their sleeves. the other day, i was trying to help someone with her walk with God, facilitating thoughts, enabling her to process better. and suddenly, she became paranoid. she started asking why am i helping? and so i said it is my responsibility as we are in the same family, a body of Christ. and she said i’m the only person who actually ever cared about her walk with God. hmm. i think it’s not that no one ever cared, it’s just that people never see things under a different light. things come in various forms, it might not come in the form you expected or want. it’s like love, it might not come in the form you expect or want, but it definitely is love from people. and last night, same thing happened – i got reminded about this one thing. no freaking joking, but i’m really gonna tear the enemy apart for what they are doing to the people around me.

that bolded sentence above actually rings true. it’s weird. i can’t make friends with the opposite gender without them thinking that i’m hitting on them. (that sentence was actually a text from a girl.) so be it la, i guess i’m too exhausted to explain myself. people think too much. gab asked if i ever believed in platonic relationships with girls, i said yes. of course it’s possible, why not? but he brought a point – that i may think of platonic, but the other might not. but then i would say: then what? leave people to die? sorry, not under my watch. i think we shouldn’t wait for the appropriate people to COME ALONG to HELP. where is the sense of urgency? it is not a joking matter when the people you care about are suffering. i have to constantly remind myself that: 1) i am no super human, i get weary, and i am not fruitful if i burn out. 2) i must not rely on myself, instead, partner with God hand-in-hand to everything, especially dealing with helping/discipleship/leading people back to Christ. 3) have faith, REST in faith, TRUST that God will, with His limitless understanding extend His gracious hand to touch their lives supernaturally. 4) after reading july 4th's devotional in 'my utmost for His highest'. it further shook me about thinking/worrying about people's well-being. Psalm 35:27 is really one verse i would like to cling on, that this job of taking care of our well-being is God's and not mine.

i will still say: “don’t worry, i have patience.” i keep having this vision of a paladin on a white horse standing on its hind legs. the paladin’s sword is actually drawn out and he raised it up in the air like doing a shout of triumph. and there’s this bright light shining from him. – it made me feel… that the battle is won, the war is over, we are victorious. glory and honour. joy and gladness. peace and love. spirit and truth.

anyway, it is 8:20am. goodnight.

first day of school.
familiar place, familiar faces.
not so familiar feelings.

it was as if i was in year 1 sem 1. january 2007, fresh out of army. no direction, lost everything i ever had, don’t even know who i am, don’t know who’s true and who’s not. but i never questioned God why he gave me such a life. instead, i questioned myself again and again, who am i? – throughout my life, those who were frank enough came up to me and asked: “why are you so quiet? the others think you’re weird.” and my replies were all the same, i would smile and say: “God knows.” my heart does not hurt when people judge me, i don’t blame anyone. so many times i prayed to God to forgive those who judge me because they do not know me. my heart hurts because i can’t find anyone who understands me. – people always tell me there are three people who understands me totally, they are the father, the son, and the Holy Spirit. and i can only laugh as though i already know about it. but if i truly know about it, i wouldn’t have said that no one understands me. of course, i embarked on my own journey to seek those three people, they really do know who i am, they made me happy, made me learn things, made me realize that i am important to them as well. pastor peter once asked me if i want anyone to understand me, my response was YES! who doesn’t? (along those lines.) and to be honest, i really want someone who would take the time and effort to understand me (of course vice versa!). many give up along the way, i don’t know why – am i really that much of an enigma? i’m not young anymore, it’s time i find someone that i can settle down with. (HAHA!)

when i was much younger, i didn’t believe in any relationship, i didn’t believe in friendship, i didn’t believe in boy-girl-relationships, i had a family that i hardly talk to. all i believed in was work, tasks, responsibility, trust, and myself. my core values were justice, courage, sacrifice, honour, valour, righteousness, patience. but i lacked one thing, LOVE. my childhood dream was to be a great soldier to serve my country. i admit, i am patriotic. – evidently true from how i was in army, and that was how all the core values came about – very soldier-like (haha!). i grew up always being the vice-captain, assistant leader, assistant-monitor, 1st-runner up. i felt low, i didn’t understand why when i was obviously doing a better job and not become the main guy. until one day someone said: “it is usually the assistant who does the most work, because they are dependable.” and i kept a look-out and true enough, the assistants were the ones always getting the ball rolling, making sure things are in-line. i felt that the reason why we were all placed as assistants is not only because of us being dependable, it is also because to those under us, the assistant is much more approachable than the main guy, we stand in the gap in between the two different poles. i always take pride in my work and, yes i admit, when i work, i work very hard, but along the years, i learned to balance work and my priorities, i think it is something we all should learn so as not to be selfish but think of those around you who need you. and so, don’t get mad just because you’re an assistant or vice-president/captain, take pride in your work and give glory to God always! (:

and then 1 Corinthians 13 came and smacked me in the face, specifically verses 1 to 3.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3
"1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."

and this verse struck me even more.
1 Corinthians 13:13
"13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

greatest of these is love. i locked myself up thinking day after day about 1 Corinthians 13. all that i ever stood for were NOTHING because love was lacking. so how did the sacrifice came about? was it a kind of love that i don’t even know i was loving the people? that i refuse to see them suffer? it didn’t occur to me that by taking all the pain to myself would hurt those around me even more. i thought i could handle everything on my shoulders and everyone would be okay. but i was wrong. infact, i was selfish, i didn’t manage to see that everyone was hurting because they saw me taking everything and dying alone. “3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.” – i learned this the hard way, i learned that Jesus hung on the cross because He love us, He GAINED back everything we lost when Adam and Eve ate the fruit. it was like a revelation. i once asked someone, do you know what drives our faith? we both said together, “love.” and since i know what’s wrong, i gotta do something about it.

and when i came back to coos in 2007, i had a culture shock, things were very different. but nonetheless i took up the quest to learn how to trust and love once more. i must say, it’s really not easy. i’m not really an optimist, but definitely not a pessimist. i guess i just have the courage to fuel myself to go on. i know that people will fail me, it is not their fault, my anchor must be on God and God only. learning how to trust and love requires one to be vulnerable, and before i came back to coos in 2007, i got to know a couple who are parents of someone in coos youth ministry. they know that i have this shell/fortress that shields myself from those who wants to come into my life. well that’s how i identified my root problem and tried being vulnerable, to care about people. oh yes, i got hurt, i felt sad, i wanted to give up, i was angry, i was frustrated. really really not easy. haha. but even before all those took place, as i came back in june 2007, it was pathfinder’s camp. and i went for it, not knowing anyone at all, i was feeling out of place, alone despite being in a crowded place. but i told myself that that isn’t the right mindset. and then came the BBQ. well again, it didn’t occur to me that it’s a big deal that i help out at the BBQ, but it turned out to be quite a surprise to this person named charissa who was actually a pastor in-charge of the campus segment in coos youth ministry. she said that she don’t usually see new people going out to help. i wanted to tell her it’s because i’m not a normal person. but i didn’t, i just said: “orh.” she gave me the look, i could tell from her eyes that she’s got something to say and she’s pretty impressed. (one thing i’m good at is that i can interpret facial expressions quite accurately.)

up till today, i still don’t understand what is it in me that gives people a strong interest in me. but i must thank her for being so patient with me. even when i repeatedly disappoint her (maybe it’s my shield kicking up again). i got to know: i got a huge influence on a lot things, i have exceptional leadership capabilities, i am a natural leader. initially i didn’t know what to do when i got to know about those, it was like: “uh huh?” i then realized that indeed i have the responsibility to pass on the good, to help others, to keep others and myself in check. influence is still influence, it will affect good or bad (i.e. lead people back to Christ or down to the dark side!). but like i said, these are just head knowledge of my strengths (which can also be my weakness), taking it out to actions would be the real deal. well i was prophesied that i must be careful not to be used against God: and now i start to see the big picture, i experienced first-hand what happens when i am not careful with my spiritual gifting: it can be quite disastrous. hmm. a spiritual gifting, like a skill, if not practiced often, it might just fade away, or be used incorrectly.

well, in essence of this post, i guess the reason why i usually post about people saying me being quiet is because i want people to understand me (and not because i SO MIND what people say about me). hmm. actually i can be quite crazy. :P HAHA! anyway recently i heard of someone being hated. do you know how badly you must be disliked to be hated? lol. that person used to have something against me or what. but honestly, i don’t have anything against anyone. (: i am vindicated. thank You daddy for loving me and delighting in my well-being! (:
Psalm 35:27
“27May those who delight in my vindication shout for joy and gladness; may they always say, "The LORD be exalted, who delights in the well-being of his servant."

good day everyone, thanks for the continuous support of this blog. the readership is crazy! :D thanks. sorry for not updating. don’t mind me, but this blog has become some refuge for me to rant. haha.

the knuckles in my right hand have been reacting quite a bit lately. it seemed like it wants to say something. it’s a sensation, not amounting to an ache, but it gives me the feeling that i am to be prepared for something... big. whenever i think of those times when i could’ve made a huge difference (as in life-changing) in people’s lives but withdrew because of my pauper mentality, i cringe. am i truly living out the life that i am called to live? it’s been 9 years, what have i learned? i am not as strong as you think i am, i may appear strong but i do cry like a baby. i do have my follies, in which i regret terribly.

i watched the movie “I am legend” – again, again, and again. it was so filled with emotions, of how Will Smith went on day after day seeking a cure for the virus, of how he talked to the mannequins, of how he watched recorded news and DVDs every day, of how he had to endure the cries of anguish and pain of those who suffers from the illness – all by himself. and one thing that caught my attention to a great extent was about Bob Marley (go read at Wikipedia). there was once, just two days before a free concert organized by the Jamaican prime minister, marley and his wife was gunned down in their home. nonetheless, despite his injuries, he went on to perform at the concert and when asked why, he said: “the people who are trying to make this world worse aren’t taking a day off. How can i?” – i then used this in a different way and told someone: “the devil isn’t gonna take a break on us, we shouldn’t take a break either!” which rings true, and Jesus is to be thanked for preserving and keeping us in prayer 24/7. what’s more, marley is such a man of faith. he said this: “I don't have prejudice against meself. My father was a white and my mother was black. Them call me half-caste or whatever. Me don't dip on nobody's side. Me don't dip on the black man's side nor the white man's side. Me dip on God's side, the one who create me and cause me to come from black and white.” this man also wanted to use music to send forth messages of love and grace. we need people like him.

i am thinking. if i was in a generation of great turmoil and confusion, will i be able to answer the call to lead the people to where they really belong? looking at where i am now, will i be able to make a difference in this world? will i be able to make people’s lives better? if i truly believe that i am being built to make a revolutionary difference, then will asking a question like ‘will i be able to make a difference in this world?’ be a question that reflects my lack of faith? if i believe that i am a history maker, the natural thing to do is to go forth to make history, and not to question if will i be able to. after reading two chapters of ‘The supernatural ways of royalty’, i questioned myself even more – how much pain have i caused in people’s hearts? how hurt people were when i thought my opinions didn’t matter and as such, remained quiet when i was so sought after. how i disappointed the people who loved me more than i loved myself. how i sabotaged my relationship with the people around me because i didn’t love myself. to be honest, i felt being set free, but being set free can only be whole or not, nobody can be ‘partially set free’. but as much as i felt myself being set free, i also felt that it’s just the beginning, or rather there are a few more steps to go – so i’m not exactly free either. the good thing is that i know the road which leads to freedom. but am i running on it like Hebrews 12? hmm.

hello~ hello! SSM (School of Supernatural Ministry) is coming to an end. looking back at day one of week one, i was rather doubtful and apprehensive about going for SSM. i had questions. i had doubts. but i thank God for preserving and helping me to maintain a neutral position whilst attending SSM. you know, there’s a saying: “you probably won’t remember what people said, but you’ll definitely remember how people made you feel.” – though i can’t fully remember what kris vallotton said (but i wrote down notes), but i can remember how i felt. i felt renewed, i felt things getting cleared up, and i learned quite a bit. i was convicted to a rededication, i was called for repentance.

well thanks people. such encouragements. let’s see…
“… … … You know while reading, i felt like giving you a platonic hug when i see you today, but it would be so weird cause you seem so bullet proof sometimes … … …” – haha. yeah. i mean come on, i think you’ve known me long enough to know that i look cold since day one. and you know me enough to know that i’m not cold to people. it’s just the way i look and behave, i will just simply keep quiet or go about my own business if there’s nothing to say (well not that i don’t joke and laugh, but there is a time for everything else). but when i do voice out my concerns, you can be sure that it will be some storm (haha!). (i think pastor charissa can agree with that) i mean, i’m sure John Heng looks as cold, but i’m quite sure he’s got a huge heart.

“Yeah and i guess that can be a really good thing. Cause though you don’t really express that much face to face, sometimes when you do speak, its like gold to the ears. That’s how i view it.:) and i guess that things of such are treasured by people so yup.:) … … … actually honestly speaking why i seldom wanna talk to you or acknowledge you around is because i fear ya bullet proof character and silly as it seems, i feel a lot as a person so yup. … … … being ignored or daoed isn’t my thing and it kinda ain’t healthy for my emotions so yup.” – you know, i think a lot of people feel this way. like, umm, is he gonna ignore me when i talk to him or something. haha. gee!! what can i do if people wants to think of me this way? if you ignore me just because you felt that i would ignore you, to be honest, i’ll feel rejected. but it is Christ who lives in me and i continue to walk like i've not felt rejected because i know He loves me even if the world hates me. i experienced first-hand at how people talked bad about my pastor but i felt that they didn’t know her well enough, didn’t even try to. similarly, people judge me without knowing how i am like – simply through the facial expressions i have. haha, it’s interesting isn’t it? but oh well, that’s life for me. heh. “blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” – Matthew 5:10, blessed is He who blesses us out of His glorious riches. thanks, for encouraging me. but i guess only those who have worked with me/direct contact will know who i really am.

more. i have a lot more texts that brightened up my days during SSM but due to the nature of the texts, it is inappropriate to blog it. HAHA. i’ve got nothing but one thing to say. spyer you! tsk tsk. but THANKS LOR! those texts made me smile. these little things in life are as important as the major things in life. and as i said before: you’ll make a good spy! and you make me know that whenever i’m around, you’ll be happy. hmm. you still remember the prayer pointers i gave you? i think need to change already. and, i’m really looking at the possibility of learning arabic and going over to the middle east to preach the gospel. but i will see where God leads me to. wherever and whatever it is, i am His crusader.

i think this post will close up all the frustration i had since the 29th may blog post. i felt i could've approached things better. but thankfully, i expressed my frustration on the blog and not to another person. i totally missed the point of God having total control of everything. hmm. anyway, in the morning i thanked God for this new day that He made and asked that He show me more stuff. so i went out to run bare-footed (haha.) for at least 5km and i started thinking about stuff like: "running bare-footed isn't really very comfortable, can be painful at times - just like my walk with God, it can be painful at times and things might not turn out the way i want it to be - but i saw a path, a smooth path made of all kinds of precious stones, jewels, and gold - leading towards the kingdom of heaven. and when i ran on it, my soul was comforted and the injuries on my feet healed. it was a welcoming vision. after that i went to the park to do some static and i was like maybe i can do some treasure hunt. i kept looking around for people with visible injuries (wearing braces or using crutches) it was really exciting and i really wanted to bless someone. i kept looking around but i couldn't find any. someday, someday i'm gonna try it in school or something. come on!